I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
farters have to be the big spoon...
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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