rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
