She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
