She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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