the condom got lost in my hair
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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