Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
