She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
