If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
