Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
