after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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