That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
