I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
