Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
