my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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