my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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