Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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