I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
