you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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