I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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