Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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