I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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