all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
