Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
