Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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