just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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