if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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