everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
