If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
