I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
