It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
