I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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