I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
