It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
