Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
