We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
