My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
