I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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