I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
do nipples grow back?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
