OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
We're too hungover to prance.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
