i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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