if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
now i know why i became what i already was.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
