i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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