that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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