So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
