based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
never play flip cup with pint glasses
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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