My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I want to be your penis for a week.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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