I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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