I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
