I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
