these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Drunk is not a location!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
