I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
