he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
