i need an iv and a liver transplant
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
