then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
