why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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