I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
