i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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